End Of Life

Arrival of Autumn...

At 56, I am beginning to feel that time is running out.10 more years suddenly seem very short, and so near. I wonder, how many more '10-year' do I have left. Probably one, at best two, and a miracle if I have three.

Even though the life expectancy of Singaporeans was recently reported to be 84, I wonder how many can actually live to that age without losing out on the quality of life (to be called living). For life, when one is bedridden, unable to take care of oneself, and dependent on others, is not much of a life to speak of. My impression is  that, not many can continue to live a healthy, mobile, active, and meaningful existence after their 60s.

As I ponder about life and death at this point, I am neither going to die or suicidal. I guess it has got to do with age, couple with the fact that I have been lying down far too often, and that, it is just a momentarily passing thoughts.

Dying is part of life. It is like sleep, except that it is permanent. It happens everyday and everywhere, and you can see them in the obituaries page. You can occassionally hear about someone's death, and yet, for some, talking about death is taboo. Why?

I actually have a strange habit - I read the obituaries page in the paper everyday without fail. I have done that for more than ten years. To see whether among those whose lives have just been extinguished, are peoples I know. Every few months, there will always be someone I know whose life has been interrupted – an old neighbour, an old friend, someone from my batch of Midshipman, a course mate, an old colleague, a lecturer from the university who have taught me, or just a familiar face. And when I see one, I would be sadden, and my mood would be affected. In a way, it reminds me of my own mortality.

A few years back, on one day while I was washing my car, a neigbour who was a retired school principal in his early 60s, who lived a few doors away from me, came up to chit chat with me. He told me that my car registration number is a lucky number and had appeared in the Singapore 4D draw before. He was then in a pink of health. But, 4 months later, I heard that he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and a month later, he was gone. It was a surprise, or more like a shock to me, and I was sadden by his sudden passing.

Another incident that reminds me that end of life can come suddenly to one even when everything in life seems going very well just a day before. It happened to an old neighbour of mine. He was about my age, or there about; a very relaxed remisier, who in his own words - he trade others money – win or lose, he gets his commission; a good family man, husband to a happy housewife, and father to 2 well brought up adults; a successful man who owned other landed properties in addition to the condominium he was staying; and living a good life in every way. Even when both our families had  moved out of the condominium we were staying, occasionally I could still see him around the Katong neighbourhood. On one night in 2007, I saw him enjoying supper at Joo Chiat with his wife. I commented to him that, he and his wife, both of them look very good – healthy and happy. But tragedies suddenly strucked his family in 2009. His daughter, nearing 30, and was doing extremely well in her career, was suddenly diagnosed with cervical cancer. She passed away shortly, in the same year. Three months after his daughter tragic death, I was shocked and sadden to read of his sudden demise from the newspaper's obituaries. Very sad, but tragedy often comes in more than one.

One incident that pained me most was witnessing the death of Sue's younger sister, who was 47, in 2008. She had cervical cancer, and her cancer had gone into remission for 9 years. But, suddenly, one day in 2008, she called Sue, in pain, fear and crying. She was inconsolable. Her cancer had returned. She passed away 2 months later, leaving behind 2 teenagers and husband to grieve. In that short 2 months, I saw how she suffered in pain and struggled with her sudden approaching end of life. I saw the most cruel aspect of life

If death is part of life, then it is important to deal with it by accepting it as a normal part of our passage of life. No taboo. Lives come and go. What comes after this life – be it an eternal life or reincarnation or whatever – is a separate issue that one needs to ponder and decidely choose early in life – for a peaceful life and happy end.

For me, to find meaning in this brief 'act of life', one needs to come to terms with death in order to live well. And in one's 'act of life' one should express who he/she is, what he/she stands for, and what one's life is about – to justify one had lived.